The Reality TV Guide to Handling Panic Attacks
• Are you suffering from shortened breath and a racing heart? Congratulations, you’re about to get a lot of a-tent-ion! Good thing you prepped by wearing kohl eyeliner and dignified panties, just in case you end up passed out in a sexy doctor’s hands.
• Don’t be scared. It’s ok to have panic attacks. You’re giving the real life equivalent of TV editors a story to tell. Just don’t have them so often that people wonder if you really “can’t handle this business.”
• When someone is having a panic attack, assume they have low blood sugars, cuz people don’t eat. You eat? Regularly? You are alone in that, fatty. Give them a Snickers.
• Are you a bystander watching your biggest enemy have a panic attack? Do not look satisfied. This will not guarantee your victory. Instead look genuinely worried that panic attacks are contagious. Is that a light hallucination you just had? Oh dear. Squeeze Breeze yourself and pat your heart.
• To make your panic attack extra memorable, use something really strange to calm down. If you don’t have any weird metaphorical comfort blankets, steal one from My Strange Addiction. Say you won’t feel better until you snort some baby powder or drink some Drano.
• Alcohol. Drink some.
• If you feel like your panic attack is going downhill and getting all physical and embarrassing, spin it as food poisoning. You’ll look less crazy, and make the local cuisine look bad.
• Forgive yourself. Panic attacks can happen to anyone, even when they’re about to do something that they consider “their destiny” or at least “their escape from their grandma’s attic bedroom.” Just cuz you freak out doesn’t mean it’s not your destiny. There’s some psychological mumbo jumbo that proves it happens to anyone. Even Rachel on Glee!
• The next day, look 30% shaken, 70% fortified in your newfound self-understanding. This will ensure you get lots of hugs, maybe some free food, but also reassure everyone that you can still walk the catwalk holding a stuffed lion like a champ. Or whatever it is you need to do.
via thetangential
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